AED
by NoLifeChild
Summary: Akatsuki Education, aka AED. After Deidara destroyed a village, the Akatsuki Organization is in deep trouble. What's Sir Leader plan? A Special Ed for potential Akatsuki members! Partial Parody. Oh yeah, Hidan still can't swear. Kisame has a child!
1. Chapter 1

(Disclaimer: This is a continuation of the "Utterly Random Hidan and Kakuzu Story". For more information about Asian fangirls and Akatsuki-obsessed-crazies, go check your fridge. I might be munching on that last piece of cream puffs...Naruto is not mine)

Chapter 1...

Hidan looked at the white outfit that lay on his bed. It seemed quite harmless and very clean, but he knew what it was for. _I'm not wearing that thing. _But it was Sir Leader's orders. He had to do it sooner or later. _I just got here, they shouldn't torture me like this!_ But they were. All members of the Akatsuki were being tortured. And it was all the blond artist's fault. _That bucket's gonna pay._ The priest mentally cursed Deidara, and then cursed Itachi for (somehow) making him lose the ability to swear. Now, every time Hidan tries to use profanity, it comes out as a normal-yet-not-so-normal phrase (ex: "Son of a batch" "Hash no" "You mother-fudgelmuffin").

The priest lifted the white clothing to examen it when he heard a knock at his door. He walked over and it creaked open. A tall figure wearing a black suit and a loose necktie strode in. Half of his face was hidden behind a black handkerchief-like cloth. His head was equally covered, concealing his hair completely. Hidan snorted at the sight.

"Dude, Kakuzu. I never thought you'd look so _terrible_ in formal clothing." The older man shot an irritated glare at the priest, but he held his temper.

"Good morning to you too," Kakuzu grumbled, "did you see your gift from our oh-so-dearest Leader?" Hidan made a disgusted face and showed the man the white coat and white suit. Kakuzu sighed and shook his head. "If only Leader knew that white isn't exactly the best color for you. Please tell me that you're not going to do your 'rituals' during class?"

Hidan shot a look of disbelief. "What, are you crazy? I'll have to do the ritual every time class starts and ends! That's our rule! Kakuzu, you should know by now that I'm a hard-core believer of Jashin-sama."

"There's nothing hard-core about it if you make the students run away because of your stench," Kakuzu pointed out. "Leader would kill you."

"And I'd like to see him try," the priest mumbled. "As if I can." The masked nin rolled his eyes and moved his attention to his necktie. It's been a long time since the last time he wore a suit. He has forgotten how to tie a tie. Kakuzu wrestled with it for a good five minutes while Hidan dressed into his new white outfit. It made the priest look almost like a scientist, except he refused to button the top three buttons of his shirt so his bare chest was somewhat exposed, and his white coat flowed like Seto Kaiba's (YGO). Hidan snickered at the frustrated Kakuzu.

"You need help there, old man?" He offered. The masked nin hesitated at first, then let his pride go and allowed the priest to tie it for him.

"Make it quick," Kakuzu ordered. Hidan grinned and started untying the poorly-knotted tie when somebody barged in through the open door.

"Kakuzuuuuuuuu, un! Can you help m--- WOAH, UN!!!" Deidara skidded across the small room and tripped over the priest's pike. He went crashing into the stone wall, slamming face-first. But because of his hyperactive-blond-artist power, he recovered from the shock quickly and jumped at Kakuzu. "Can you help meeeeee, un?" Deidara wrapped his arms around the older man's neck into a piggy-back ride position, slightly choking him. Then, the blond noticed the situation between Kakuzu and the priest. Deidara's lips curled into an evil grin. "Nawwww, did I barge in on something, un?" He cooed. Hidan and Kakuzu cocked their eyebrows.

"Well, technically, you did," Kakuzu said, "but nothing that has to do with things you look at book stores sometimes." Deidara's grin widened even more.

"Oh, the denials, the denials, un," he giggled, "always hints on the scary moments, un."

Hidan was utterly confused. "Kakuzu, what the hill is he talking about?"

"Fanboy/girl business," the masked man explained, "this blond here reads _abnormal_ romance section books, if you know what I mean."

"You mean like sadistic love? Torture romance? Stalkers?"

"No, no, I mean like---"

"Like girl-on-girl, guy-on-guy love, un!" Deidara cheered. "Yaaaaaaaaay BL, GL, yaoi and yuri, un!"

The priest was lost even more. Little question marks popped in and out from his head, enhancing the confused aura. Kakuzu said forget it, and Hidan did. The silver haired man busied himself by finishing the tie and adding last minute touches before backing up and examining his work.

"_Now_ you look good!_" _Hidan commented, mostly to himself, but the older man couldn't hear his voice because of the blond's ranting about fan-moments and canon pairings. Kakuzu allowed one his his tentacles to slither out of his sleeve and it wrapped around Deidara's mouth like a snake, silencing him.

"I thought you came here for my _help_, not _torture_." The ex-Hidden Falls nin growled. The blond gave a muffled "oh yeah, un" sound and tugged at the tentacle over his mouth. Kakuzu loosened it and dropped the artist with a dull _thud_. Deidara opened his mouth to pout and complain, but instantly reconsidered it, thinking that it might be the last mistake he'll ever make.

"So anyways, un...," he coughed, "there's a little problem between me and danna, un."

Hidan put both hands on his hips. "When isn't there?" The masked man shushed him by slapping the back of the priest's head. Then he gestured the blond to continue.

"Sir Leader says we don't have enough classrooms, so danna and I have to share one, un! This totally sucks major bum, un!" The Akatsuki artist flung his hands in the air and mourned for his personal space being invaded by somebody who seems to not understand the concept of _his_ art, which is the only true art that exists. Or so he believes.

Hidan slapped the mourning artist's back with sarcastic reassurance. "Well flabbergasta, whoop-de-doo, hope you enjoy each other's company, 'cause I highly HIGHLY doubt that the Great Leader-sama is going to take ANY requests from the one who caused all this shvizzlemitten!"

"Hidan," the stitched man set his hands on the priest's shoulder, "you _do_ notice that all of your...'replacement' profanity is slowly, but surely, converting into inhuman words...?" Hidan's facial expression changed drastically from 'hey-I-mock-you-bitch' to 'I-am-so-damn-emo'. A dark gloom blanketed his surroundings like fog and the priest dragged himself over to a corner of the room. He then slouched his body over, bent down, and hugged his knees and let out a tiresome sigh of depression. The other two Akatsuki members watching this sweat dropped.

"I-it's not _that_ big of a deal, Hidan, un," the artist reassured, "we all have days like that...kinda, un."

Hidan peeked his teary eyes and glared at the blond. "Like fiddle you know how this feels! I feel like I lost a best friend..." The silver-haired man started poking a certain point on the wall like a button, as if wishing that something fun and exciting to burst out as he pushed at the nonexistent object continuously. This movement almost resembled a monkey poking a stick through an ant hole, which made Deidara giggle quietly. Right then, the Akatsuki shark-man waltzed in, dribbling a basketball with one hand and pulling a plastic cart with the other. He was wearing a dark blue sports jacket with yellow lines streaking down his sleeves. Same went with his pants, except that the streaks were wider and were on the outer leg-lines. Kisame's black sneakers and black headband gave him a very sportsman-like look, plus his muscular body adding a nice touch.

The shark-man looked at the little display before him and cocked his eyebrows. He turned his head toward Kakuzu and the artist, his expression demanding for an explanation.

The older nin shrugged his shoulders. "Mr. Hidan here is currently going through a mild depression-stage of his...trauma," the masked nin said, and Deidara nodded his head in agreement.

"Right...," Kisame replied in a doubting tone, "are you all ready? Leader's waiting for you two. I suggest you both hurry up." He stopped dribbling and tossed the ball to the masked man, who stanched it like a reflex. Kakuzu looked at it, and then looked at the ex-Hidden Mist nin.

"So, I'm guessing you're a P.E. teacher now, _Mr_. Kisame?" Kisame ignored Kakuzu's sarcastic tone and smiled too friendly at him, concealing the slight irritation.

"And I believe you have no occupation at the moment, Kakuzu-san," Kisame said all-too-politely.

"Hidan and I are only killers now," the older man sighed, "but we're soon to be educators as soon as..." He threw the basketball at the wall-poking priest. The impact was so great, Hidan's face was embedded into the wall, the ball bouncing off ceilings and other walls at an amazing speed. When the priest pulled his face out, the flying object once again smashed into his head, jamming his face into the ground this time. The basketball eventually dropped it's speed and rolled harmlessly toward Kisame who picked it up and started dribbling it again.

Kakuzu resumed talking, "...This idiot wakes up from his damn daydreaming state." The silver-haired man's body jumped up and spun to face the ex-Hidden Falls nin. Hidan's face was covered in blood and several front teeth were missing. The priest's new clothes were close to being completely ruined from the blood dripping down, dust smearing the pants, and the little shards of broken rocks caught on his jacket. He pointed an angry finger at the older man and shouted, "You duck flusher! Look at this mess, and I just fuggling got these! What the huzzle is wrong with you?!" While Hidan continued complaining to his older partner, Deidara shuffled to Kisame and asked for some aid for his little situation with Sasori.

"Well...," Kisame made a thoughtful gesture, "you both are amazing artists, but even geniuses need some help with their inspirations. Maybe both of you can somehow compromise and work together, both classes combined and all that. How does that sound?" It wasn't like Deidara hasn't thought about that, but somehow, this shark-man had a tone in his voice that made whatever he said persuasive, giving the blond artist second thoughts about his actions. Not that he would admit it, though.

Deidara was silent in thought for a few moments, then finally said, "Alright, un. I'll try, un." Kisame grinned and patted the younger nin's head like a proud parent saying, "Good job, son! You figured it out all by yourself!" Kisame then turned to the two arguing ninjas and marched toward them. He stood right in between them and crossed his arms in a motherly fashion.

"Dude, Kisame!" Hidan yelled, "I'm still complainin' here! Move aside so I can bicker at this bum!"

"'Bicker' is not exactly the best term to use, Hidan-san," the shark-man growled, "both of you should really attend to Leader's office, AT ONCE." In fear, the two Akatsuki immortals skittered out of the room, leaving a red-eyed Kisame and a blond artist behind. Hidan attempted to rub off the blood and dirt, but it stubbornly clung to his jacket, angering him. As he and the older nin made their way towards their leader's office, the priest peeked over his shoulder to find the shark man dragging his cart with his back to the two. Deidara poked his head out and skipped behind Kisame, humming a little tune.

"Hidan." The silver-haired man turned his attention to the taller man. He found that he was holding out a little pack of tissues. "I hope you notice that your nose is still bleeding like there's no tomorrow." Surprised, Hidan touched his upper lip to find warm liquid leaking out. He quickly pulled out a couple of tissue papers and pressed them firmly against his nose.

"'Hanks," the priest said. Kakuzu said nothing back, but he ruffled Hidan's head and quickened his pace. The silver-haired man grinned and jogged to catch up to his partner.

-------------------------

Sir Leader's holographic image reacted to the harsh knocks at his door. He must've dozed off while doing his paperworks. Leader barely had two hours of sleep last night; he had so much to catch up on and new ones were coming in soon. Very soon.

"Come in," he ordered. His voice cracked, but he didn't care. Nothing really mattered to him now. The poor Akatsuki Leader was sleep-deprived, famished; and it was, once again, all Deidara's fault. If he had the willpower to, he would throw the blond into a pit of snakes or piranhas or both, take whatever is left of him and burn it to ashes. If that wasn't possible, he would feed it to Zetsu.

Kakuzu was the first to step inside the semi-dark room. His eyes instantly adjusted to the dimness as he strode toward Sir Leader. The priest, on the other hand, ran into a wall and fell over. He didn't allow his vision to adjust with the dim room long enough to notice anything in his way. Hidan dropped his bloody tissue and cursed (Hidan "Snufflemuffins!"). Sir Leader's bagged eyes stared at the silver-haired man who was searching for his lost tissue like a person who lost their glasses or contacts. Sir Leader noticed the dirt and blood on his new outfit.

"What did he do to himself?" The hologram asked.

"Just ignore him for now," Kakuzu chuckled nervously.

"And indeed I will," Leader replied flatly. He was not amused with the display much. He was more annoyed.

The masked nin quickly changed the subject. "What jobs or assignments do you offer us two? Educator or janitor?"

"Educator," Leader responded, and pulled out sheets of paper from his sleeve. "I believe this is the list of jobs that normal schools offer...?"

Kakuzu shrugged. "Most of what I know. It's been a long time since I last time I went...," then he paused. When _was_ the last time he went?

"You two are the last ones, so there are only four jobs left here," Leader scanned through the list, "but I've decided to eliminate the two, so you two will have to choose one of these."

"What are they?"

"One, you'll have to know how to do complicated math problems. The other, you just need to read from the textbook and be able to define scientific terms...," Leader shifted his eyes towards the priest who had just found his long-lost bloody tissue paper and held it up like a holy treasure. Sir Leader sweat dropped, "...I have high doubt that this rookie would be able to do either one of them." Kakuzu and the Akatsuki leader stared down at Hidan who turned to both of them with a proud grin.

"Hey, Kakuzu! i found my tissue paper!" He happily announced.

"You should be proud of your accomplishment," the older man sarcastically said. The silver haired man's grin widened, not catching the hint. "By the way, which are you more interested in, science or math?"

The priest's head tilted thirty degrees to the right and his eyes rolled up to the ceiling. "Um...science, I guess," he shrugged, "I totally blew my Basic Math class when I was a kid. Man, did I hate that class..."

Kakuzu clapped his hands together. "Then science it is, then."

"Human Anatomy and Physiology, to be exact," Sir Leader corrected him. "I'm sure he'll do fine."

"WHAT??!" Hidan exclaimed. "Whoa whoa whoa! Am I supposed to let people see other naked people? That's totally against my religion!"

"Technically, yes," Kakuzu replied, "mostly their insides, though. You really don't have to worry much about their epidermis showing. You'll probably be teaching them how the internal organs function and all that crap."

"Then you would teach them how the chakra flows along with their bodily systems," Sir Leader added. "Just read the textbook to them and they'll probably catch on."

"What's an epidermis?" The priest asked. "It sounds dirty." Sir Leader and Kakuzu sighed in unison.

"Are you positive that this'll work out?" The masked man asked in a worried tone.

"I'm not so sure anymore."

-------------------------

Itachi was holding up a ladder while the shark-man hammered the basketball hoop on the stone wall. He was in his usual Akatsuki uniform, unlike the rest of the members. They were in a court-house-like area, an area between the Akatsuki territory and the large forests nearby. It was a giant crater-like place where Deidara used to experiment with his clay bombs. Now it was going to be used for Kisame's class: Physical Education.

"You know," Itachi started, "I never thought I would say this, but I think Leader's crazy."

Kisame stopped his hammering and looked down at the Uchiha. "Itachi-san, you should know by now that we're all crazy. Nobody in their right mind would think about world domination along with a small group of S-rank assassins."

"No, no, I mean, he's insane. This idea of 'educating' other killers is just...ridiculous." The prodigy shook his head. "Leader finally lost it."

The shark-man resumed hammering the hoop. "I guess you're right, in a way," he agreed, "no one would think about making a school for assassins."

-------------------------

Author: Bum-bum-buuuuuuuum!!! First chappy done! And I'm not dead yet! Hurray!

Leader: Yay! I actually have a role this time! (dances)

Kakuzu: I really would like to know what goes on in that mind of yours...

Hidan: Seriously, I know. Who thinks up this crap?

Author: I do, now shut up

Kisame: And I was thinking that this was going to be a high school parody

Itachi: In a way, it is

Deidara: But we're the ones teaching...

Sasori: I'm not in it...(growls)

Deidara: No worries, danna, un! You'll come out soon, un!

Sasori: I better...(shoots menacing glare at Author)

Author: EEP! Uh...hi?

Tobi: Naww, I'm not in it...

Zetsu: **Neither are we...**

Zetsu: _Let's bite it's head off..._

Zetsu: Let's see if it makes funny noises...

Author: (Holds head and runs away screaming bloody murder)


	2. Chapter 2

(Disclaimer: Updates are overrated. Lethargy is underrated. Naruto is not mine. How overrated.)

Chapter 2

"NO."

"Please, un?"

"HELL. NO."

"Aw, dannaaaa...please, un?"

"Did I not make myself clear before? I SAID NO."

Deidara puffed his cheeks and glared at his redhead partner. He was wearing a pale pink button-down t-shirt with a white tank-top under it. His usual baggy nin-pants were replaced with a dirty pair of jeans coated with clay. His usual Akatsuki cloak hung loosely over his shoulders. The redhead had a black turtleneck sweater that reached almost down to his knees and a pair of gray jogging pants.

Sasori continued to fidget with his wooden models, loosening and tightening random bolts as he growled answers back at the blond. The younger artist was sitting on a stool across from Sasori's oak desk, swaying back and forth like he was on a swing, thinking of a persuasive way to make this old, grumpy man agree.

"I'll give you my share of milk and cookies, un?" The puppet master stopped unscrewing, looked up and frowned at Deidara.

"You know damn well that I can't eat, you moron," he snapped, and resumed taking out a rusty bolt from an old puppet. It dropped out of it's place and made a tiny "tink" sound that echoed throughout the empty "classroom".

The two Akatsuki artists were in the hideout's living room, which is going to be used as their "art room". The sofas and comfy-chairs were all taken out and replaced with a bunch of wooden stools and one huge cherry wood table, plus Sasori's oh-so-loved oak desk. The place itself was quite large, but the walls were so bleak and threateningly boring, it made the room much spacier than it already was. Which was nice for the two artists, who were to share the same classroom anyway.

But Sasori of the Red Sand did not like that idea. He did not like it at all.

The redhead sighed, "Look, our ideas clash, we argue every time we face each other, plus we have fangirls that reeeeeeeeally want to see us TOGETHER." Both artists shivered at the thought. "Why would I want to go through all that trouble just to run a class?" Silence took over the stale air around them. The only sound that was heard were Sasori's busy hands clanking and clicking with his models, either taking them apart or re-attaching limbs. Looking down at the ground, Deidara searched for other alternatives, but came up with nothing. He sighed and opened his mouth to say something, but somebody called out his name as if on cue.

"Deidara-sempaaaaaaaaaai!!!!!!"

The puppet master dropped his screwdriver and the blond fell over from his stool because of the bright voice's shock wave. Tobi waltzed inside with a rather large brown bag in one hand and a cardboard box in the other. The orange masked-nin was wearing a white button-down t-shirt and a pair of khaki pants. He still covered his exposed skin with his usual skin-tight black shirt and leather gloves which hid his neck , chest, arms, and ankles.

"Ah!" Tobi cried at the scene before him. "Diedara-sempai! Are you okay?" The blond rubbed the back of his head while shooting an angry glare at the masked shinobi.

"Dammit Tobi, un! Why do you have to burst out of nowhere like that, un?! What are you, a jack-in-a-box, un?!!"

"Uhh...," Tobi scratched his head, "I came in through this door, sempai...?" Sensing murderous aura coming from the clay artist, the masked nin skittered behind Sasori. "Sasori-san! Deidara-sempai is scaring me!"

The redhead rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Did you bring my supplies?" He asked in a bored tone. Tobi uneasily chuckled and set the cardboard box on Sasori's desk. The puppet master peered inside only to find pink scrolls, female nude "art" magazines, and every series of "Icha-Icha Paradise". He grinned and said his thanks to Tobi, eagerly picking up one of the scrolls and examining it from every angle.

"What are these supplies for, Sasori-san?" Tobi asked shyly. The older nin looked up from his scroll and his grin became wider.

"C'mon Tobi, who's gonna teach the really important stuff if Hidan can't?"

"'Important stuff'...? Hidan-san is gonna teach Human Anatomy and Physiology, right?"

"Yeah. From what I hear, Hidan's religion doesn't allow any of it's followers to...you know...tell other people about the wonderful parts about nature, er, I mean...all the good stuff that happens between a man and a woman. You feelin' me?"

"You mean, he can't teach other people about...dates? Prom? Love?"

"Oh, you seriously are naïve, aren't you Tobi, un?"

"Wait, what? I'm so confused..."

"Grr, forget it, un," Deidara grumbled, "did you bring my clay?" The masked nin hopped over to the blond and handed him the brown bag. It made a dull thud as it landed heavily on the ground. Deidara eagerly opened it and allowed his hand-mouths to loudly chew on the moist clay.

"Hey," Tobi started, "Kisame-san told me about the issue you two were having earlier. Did you guys solve it yet?" He watched as the blond scrunched his brows and the redhead shake his head slowly. Tobi struck a thinking pose and was silent for a moment. Then he raised an "Aha!" finger and brightly suggested, "Maybe we could build a wall in the middle of this room!" The two Akatsuki artists paused for a moment, and shrugged.

"Well, I guess it's better than nothing..."

"Huh, for a Tobi, you can actually think up of something useful, un." The masked nin took this as a compliment and blushed, the magic of "being-able-to-see-his-expression-even-when-he-has-a-mask-on" in effect. The two artists stood up and started looking for the center of the room, both of them chatting away what they were going to teach their students first and (of course) debated about who's art is the finest.

Unknowing to both of them, Tobi left the room with a small, yellow book in his hand. He opened the book to a certain page and paced off chuckling, murmuring something that sounded like "suckers".

-------------------

Kisame found himself in a very odd situation.

First, he saw Itachi half-naked (topless) running around the hideout chasing a rather large ball of clothing with little sandaled feet.

Then he saw the said Akatsuki member playing tug-a-war with the said ball of clothing. Itachi pleaded for the shark man to help him get his shirt out of the pile, and he agreed to aid him. He swiftly picked up the clothed ball and peeled off the excess clothing. Kisame heard muffled squeals, and when he peeled away the last pair of green boxers (probably Kakuzu's), he found himself face-to-face with a little child.

A little shark boy.

Unlike Kisame, the boy had two gill-like marks on each cheek instead of three, but his pale blue skin, large white eyes, blue hair, even his pointed teeth resembled a mini-adorable version of the Akatsuki's shark man.

The kid whimpered and kicked his tiny feet in attempt to wiggle free, but his feeble attempts were futile. The poor boy's eyes started to water and he buried his face into his arms, weeping quietly. Kisame merely cocked his eyebrows and turned his head towards the Uchiha.

"Itachi-san, will you please explain this to me?"

-------------------

Author: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY UPDATES! Second chapter, wootwootwoot

Kisame: Why do I have a random kid in my arms?

Itachi: Kisame, why didn't you tell me we had children...(blush)

Kisame: ...we don't...

Deidara: Kisame?! You had a kid?!

Sasori: ...with Itachi, of all people...

Kisame: We don't! D8

Kakuzu: I knew this would happen eventually, but jeez...

Hidan: Uh, I guess we should congratulate them...good job Kisame!

Kisame: I think I'll just stop trying...

Author: You know you liked it 3

Kisame: ...

Itachi: ...Kisame, is your face red?

Kisame: N-no!

Kakuzu: Oh my God, so he is uke?!

Hidan: Ha! I told you!

Kisame: (darts away)

Author: Don't let him get away! D


End file.
